 Aries
You're going to be too busy this month to worry about getting your end away, you horny little Ram. The car will always need fixed, the washing machine will flood your kitchen at least twelve times during the month and your dog will develop a nasty case of diarrhoea - all over your new sofa. This will mean the only sex action you'll see is when you flop, exhausted, in front of the telly with your trusty vibrator to watch the Adult Channel. Until, of course, your television explodes. Better luck next time, arseholes.
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 Leo
It's a raunchy and exciting month in store for all you Lions, this month. You'll be swept off your feet by a dark, gorgeous stranger, and you'll spend the whole month engaging in perverted activity with your partner, a variety of vegetables, some rubber knickers and a copy of '101 Pleasurable Uses For Turnips'. However, a word of advice - they are not all that they seem. Here's a tip: If they suggest engaging in a role-playing game, where you assume the identities of 'Fred' and 'Rose' and go out to 'play in the garden', I would think about ending the relationship PDQ...
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 Sagittarius
You'll decide this month that you're fed up with your current lover and spend most of the month trying to think of ways to dump them without hurting their feelings. However, don't bother. For at the end of the month, your ex-beloved will tell everyone in your local what a crap shag you are, how you dribble in your sleep and how having sex with a mouldy parsnip would be more exciting than shagging you. Then they'll waltz out on the arm of someone who looks like a 'Vogue' cover model, with the sexual prowess of Jack Nicholson and Madonna combined. And you'll never get a another shag again, as the whole world will know that you're about as sexually imaginative as a senile nun.
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 Taurus
You're such a dominating c**t, Taurus, and this month your partner is going to get fed up with you telling them what to wear, where to go and when to have a flippin' orgasm, that they'll up and leave you. You'll be so miserable that you'll stay indoors all day eating enough lasagne to sicken even Garfield, which will leave you looking like a huge, white slug by the end of the summer. It won't matter anyway - the cast of 'Last Of The Summer Wine' have more chance of doing the horizontal boogie than you.
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 Virgo
You'll be feeling depressed this month, Virgo, feeling as if no-one loves you. All you'll want to do is curl up on your sofa, with your favourite teddy bear, downing cup after cup of soothing cocoa. Don't worry, though, it won't be this way for long. You'll soon realise that everyone really DOES hate your f**kin' guts, the cocoa will make you put on so much weight that you'll look like the bastard child of Gazza and Geri Spice and your teddy bear will abscond, after slashing your sofa to bits, scrawling 'You're a fat, sad twat. Why don't you kill yourself?' over your bathroom mirror and threatening to sue you for 'improper behaviour'.
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 Capricorn
Ooooh, feeling a little 'tired and emotional' are we, this month, Capricorn? The stars are telling me that you've been over-indulging somewhat on the alcohol front lately and it's beginning to show. This will result in either one of two things happening: waking up in a tree some Sunday morning, with a policeman's hat on your bonce and a naked bearded bloke lying in your lap or waking up in a hospital, trying to fend off your liver who's calling you 'a stupid f**king twat' and trying to break a half-full bottle of whisky over your head. To drink or not to drink - the choice is yours...
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 Gemini
As usual, you party animals, you'll be out partying away all month. However, partying does require money - something which to you will be as rare as a half-decent Five single by the end of the month. Consequently, you'll go out for a huge Chinese meal, be unable to pay and try to make a run for it. This will not work and you'll be caught be the irate restaurant owners. Bits of you will keep cropping up in the restaurant's sweet n' sour pork for some time to come...
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 Libra
You'll be fired with enthusiasm this month to change your image. You'll embark on a fitness regime, get a new haircut and revamp your wardrobe. Which is a good thing (your arse was starting to get so large, it was in danger of getting it's own post-code, your 'hairdo' was last fashionable when Frankie Goes To Hollywood were at Number One and Dirty Den was behind the Queen Vic bar and the closest you've ever came to a designer name was when a shop assistant in Boots accidentally sprayed you with CKbe). However, your image change still won't get you a shag though - you're still the same vain, superficial twat that you always were.
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 Aquarius
Everyone hates you, your pet cat is gossiping about you to next door's goldfish and your parents are conspiring to hire a hit-man. Yep, this is it, Aquarius, you've finally gone the whole hog, crossed the line into La-La land - In short, you've gone completely bonkers. The men in white coats will soon be coming for you, and no amount of arguing will convince them that you're not a pickle short of a Big Mac. In spite of the fact that your parents have been heard discussing 'prices' with a dodgy-looking geezer called Les down at their local pub...
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 Cancer
You'll be super-confident this month, and will be strutting your stuff in the tightest, smallest clothing you can find. You'll be convinced that you are the sexiest thing that God invented since chocolate body paint, and there'll be no limits to your pulling power. Until one night when you enter a bar, set your sights on some desirable specimen and get told to 'f**k off, you fat tosser!' followed by half a gallon of warm lager over your head. Everyone will laugh at you, and you'll spend the rest of the summer contemplating plastic surgery. I recommend suicide, you sad bastards.
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 Scorpio
Be prepared to be taking an unexpected trip this month. However, this won't be because a loved-one wants to take you away to a luxury hotel to cover you in half a tub of Ben & Jerry's and do some tongue-exercising. It's more likely to be because your lover has discovered that that nasty discharge in their nether regions has been caused by your non-stop bonking with anyone foolish enough to drop their knickers in front of you. To avoid them doing nasty things to your private parts with a blunt steak knife, I would book yourself on the next flight to the Amazon, if I were you... |
 Pisces
If you're heading off to somewhere hot and exotic this summer, Pisces, then take care. The stars are suggesting that you might well bring back more than you bargained for upon your return. No, we're not talking about dodgy souvenir ashtrays or extra bottles of duty-free voddie. Think dodgy stomach complaints that make your arse explode every half an hour, if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, it'll be a strange disease that turns your genitals into something from 'Alien Resurrection' and makes your wee turn a MOST unnatural colour. You have been warned...
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